The Sun will rise...it'll be alright.

I know my post last night was depressing. Especially for this time of the year.

All I know is that for some reason God gives me another day.

Now to find how to make that day work to my advantage. I know I'm not working and am slightly handicapped in my left hand- But, I can and will turn this home into a masterpiece. Something for Mike to be proud of.

Too bad I need money for shelves. Anyone know of any men willing to help? Dad? Or even easy bookcases.

It's time to take back my womanhood and my home.

I want more than anything in this world for Mike to walk in the door after a long days work to a happy, clean home. And of course dinner would be good too. (but we all know he is a better chef)

I love you Mike. And I love my snuggle buggly Bailee.

On the bright-side...

...I have Mike. STILL STANDING BY ME!!

And I couldn't love him more. YES, I'd love that special question to finally be asked to me. But I am also happy with where things are in our lives.

I love this photo because it shows so much love for each other. Even though it is impeccably blurry. I love this man with everything inside of me.

Christmas may totally BITE THE DUST this year- but it is the first Christmas we'll be spending as just us. With hopefully many, many, many more to come...'WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE'...lol

We were both just ready for something different this year. We are poor and can't contribute to each other in gifts....so why not spend it alone together.

Whether we go to Wendover or stay home... I just hope it's the best Christmas without Bailee ever.

Christmas Heartache

Not having your child with you is obviously the most heart wrenching way to spend your Christmas.

Now, not having any funds to actually GET her gifts... That brings on a whole other feeling of heart wrenching pain.

I know it's not about Christmas. I know it's about Christ and his birth.

But, I am dying.

I broke down at Target today because I could only afford her a barbie doll with a $5 coupon. Which made the doll $5 bucks itself. I was on the phone with a friend while asking the concession's lately for a cup for ice water when I burst into tears. A friendly gentleman grabbed my arm and told me to breathe- it was all going to be ok.

That's when I sat in my car for 10 minutes crying my eyes out. I don't see this being ok. I don't see an end to this. (and no I'm not just talking about Christmas)

I ache. I ache so badly and don't have the courage to ask for help.

Oh, and I miss Bailee. I miss her immensely. I want to be the one with her on Christmas morning. I want to tuck her in and read her our traditional story on Christmas Eve. I ache for her as well.

Silly kitty

Update on Jami's life

Jeez.

Summer is over.

It flew right by for me.

Seeing I spent it laid up the entire time.

Bailee had a good time in St. George and is now in 3rd Grade in a new school.

She absolutely LOVES this school. She says it's her favorite from all the rest. (Phew...seeing she'll be there for a while)

I am still out of work on disability. I am aching to go back though. I am bored doing nothing.

Disability pays barely enough to cover my portion of the bills. Actually, I don't think it even pays that.

My anxiety has dramatically improved, though. And I've been on my heart meds long enough that my resting heart rate is normal most of the time.

I am still having a bunch of issues that need to be dealt with though. I am starting therapy sessions on Monday. I have bittersweet feelings about that... It'll be good for me to be able to talk to someone with an unbiased opinion though.

I have KILLER insomnia when I'm not on my Xanax. Last night I didn't fall asleep until about 5 am. And I had to get up at 7 to get Bailee ready for school. I try napping after she leaves...but it has been unsuccessful as of late.

Bailee is on a kick of coming into our room to sleep every night, in the middle of the night. She's been doing it since she got home from St. George. Adjusting? I don't know. She sure doesn't help with the insomnia... She seems to always come in just after I finally doze off. And then she tosses and turns and hogs up my space... haha. One day I'll look back on this and laugh, and miss her crawling into bed with me.

Mike and I just passed our 17 month mark. Things are going good. I'm surprised at how much he puts up with me. I know it's got to be a drag having me out of work and being depressed and anxious all the time.

I'll say this much: I'd SUCK as a housewife... I can't keep our place clean or keep up on the chores everyday to save my life! I am a full couch potato.

So- I also broke my tailbone a little over a month ago. I am still in so much excruciating pain. I am really hoping it'll start to feel better soon. However, I am doubtful, seeing it hurts as much or more than it did when it happened.

I cannot wait until Fall.

Mid to High 70's isn't fall people. 50's-60's is.

Fall needs to hurry up and get here so that our power bill can go down.

I have also basically become hermit. My doctor added "social anxiety" to my list of problems during my last visit.

She's right on with that!

I have panic attacks just going to the store!

And to top it all off. I have gained a TON since June.

The meds I'm on have the side effect of weight gain.

However, I can't blame it all on the medication.

This is why I need the cooler temps! So that I can get out and at least go for a walk!

Tomorrow night will be the first time I've gone out with a friend since June.... And of course I'm anxious.

I'm anxious because I'm broke.

I'm anxious because there will be people around.

I'm anxious because of the weight I've gained.

See! Social anxiety!

I am serious about getting better.

I miss my work buddies...even though I've heard a lot have jumped ship since I've been on leave.

I miss my freedom and I miss.....my life. (to some extent)

Thankfully I am (hopefully) going to be turning a new leaf and becoming a better 'me'.

Did I mention I just adore and love Mike? He's been so patient and caring. I couldn't have asked for a better man to have been placed in my life.

Ok, Ok...this has all been just a ramble and I'm sure I have bored you to death.

I hope you are all well!

Life is Optional

That's the truth. We can choose to wake up every morning and do the same old boring routine, or we can choose to end it.

Now BEFORE you start thinking 'oh-no' Jami needs help...she's suicidal.. STOP! That is not the case. I'm far from it. Yes I've thought about it here and there....but, every day I've learned to appreciate life more and more.

Ever since being taken out of work for heart issues and extreme anxiety, I have had a LOT of time to reflect. There were days that I was crying in a corner begging God to take me away...and then there were those days that I actually felt like "Jami".

Feeling like myself is all I want. I want the bouts of anxiety and peeling my skin off to go away. But it's a process. Some days I'm "Go-Go-Go" I feel just like 'me'. And then other days that I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed.

I know a lot of you don't understand what I'm going through. Heck- I don't understand it. I have the man of my dreams in the palm of my hand and the most amazingly, spectacular daughter ever.

It's hard. Anxiety/Depression is real. Anyone that tells you otherwise is an idiot.

It CAN kill. It does hurt.

I have days/weeks that I don't even want to leave the house- even to go spend a few hours with my best friends.

It's because I am a wreck- and I am working on myself and getting better.

Please understand. This isn't something I can control.

Or just go to....

www.gooeyloves.blogspot.com

Gooey sure has a lot of love for her mama (and dada)...but mostly mama...hahah

Update...

I know I don't post on this blog much anymore (if at all) ... But I do have a blog that I try to post on more frequently....

Go to: http://gooeyloves.blogspot.com/2011/06/update-on-health.html And follow me there.

xoxo,

ME

A New Blog

So... I know I've been an AWFUL blogger for the past almost 2 years.
I blame it on my divore. And the depression that came with it.
Anyways-
I have started a new blog and I'd really appreciate it if you'd follow me there.
It's gooeyloves.blogspot.com
I'm doing my damnest to be a better blogger... But this one is hard to keep up with... It has too many sad memories... I thought it'd be better to start over. Start fresh.
SO! Join me at gooeyloves.blogspot.com
You know you wanna!!

(I may still update here from time to time...but, it'll be rare...so, follow me at my new site)
Thanks and LOVES!
-Jamilyn

Happy New Year!

Out with the old and in with the new.

I'm more than ready for 2011. 2010 was probably one of the hardest years I've ever faced. (well, the last part of 2009 also) This year is a fresh start. I'm looking forward to seeing what becomes of this year.

I started the new year off with a smooch from my Mike. Oh, how I love him!

Anyway- I hope you all have a GREAT 2011!!!