Christmas Heartache

Not having your child with you is obviously the most heart wrenching way to spend your Christmas.

Now, not having any funds to actually GET her gifts... That brings on a whole other feeling of heart wrenching pain.

I know it's not about Christmas. I know it's about Christ and his birth.

But, I am dying.

I broke down at Target today because I could only afford her a barbie doll with a $5 coupon. Which made the doll $5 bucks itself. I was on the phone with a friend while asking the concession's lately for a cup for ice water when I burst into tears. A friendly gentleman grabbed my arm and told me to breathe- it was all going to be ok.

That's when I sat in my car for 10 minutes crying my eyes out. I don't see this being ok. I don't see an end to this. (and no I'm not just talking about Christmas)

I ache. I ache so badly and don't have the courage to ask for help.

Oh, and I miss Bailee. I miss her immensely. I want to be the one with her on Christmas morning. I want to tuck her in and read her our traditional story on Christmas Eve. I ache for her as well.

Sad Day

My best friend, my one and only, my everything fell and shattered last night...

:(

I love my iPhone. I'm saddened that she is broken.

:(

so much for MY happy ending

I am crushed.

And ... quite honestly ... I spend quite alot of time in this position.

Bailee will be staying in St. George for a lot longer than planned.

I hurt. I ache. I am DEVASTATED.

I don't really get it. The whole circumstances surrounding 'why' are pretty fucked up. (yes, I know that was not a "nice" word to say .. but, if you knew the story, you'd most definitely agree) It's the only appropriate word to use.

I got screwed over. I was basically promised something, and then had it ripped right out from under me.

This is the worst thing I've ever had to go through. How can I be a Mommy when I don't even have my baby here with me?!?!

Who am I without her?

All I can say is ... THANKS ALOT!!

And just like that ... they're gone

Eric and Bailee just left after their weekend visit.

Time to curl up in a ball....

Why did this time hurt more than when they left 4 weeks ago?

='(

I can't pretend anymore...

...my heart is BREAKING!!!

I have been so good at keeping my emotions at bay this week. But.... last night it hit me like a TON of bricks...all at once.

I hate being alone. I hate not living by my family. I hate not having friends close. And I really hate not having Bailee around.

I also miss having Eric around. He's been my best friend for the past 7 years. So, it's no surprise that I miss him.

I know it'll get better, I know I'll be fine, I know, I know, I KNOW!!!

But...why can't it be better NOW??????

Crybaby

Seriously!!??

How much can one person cry? I don't think I have anymore inside of me! However, they just keep spilling over!

And, the sad thing is...I haven't even come close to the hard part, yet.

Eric and Bailee leave this Sunday.

Come Monday morning I'm going to be wishing that how much I've cried lately would be the gist of it.

Because, I'm going to be going through HELL!

Seriously though, can you cry out ALL your tears? Is it possible?? Cause if it is...sign me up!! I wanna get this over with! ha ha

I had better things to do at 13!

Click here to read the article! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!!

Frustration

Has anyone ever tested your limits to the point where you just start crying...without being able to stop?

I hate to admit that I cry easily. It really does not take much AT ALL to get my waterworks going. I cry at commercials, TV shows, News, articles I read about online...I'm a crier!

What I really hate though...is that I cry when I am frustrated.

It's pretty embarrassing.

I had a moment like that today at work. I won't go into detail about it...mostly because I can't...but...I was pushed to my limit. I broke down in front of my whole team...and in front of my manager. Can we say...HUMILIATING?!!??

It was something that I just couldn't help...my nerves were wound so tight that the only release was, embarrassingly enough, tears...

I hate that I cry easy. I. HATE. IT!

I'm just happy that this was pretty much the first time at work...(I was on the verge once and let a few spill back right after I started)...

What can I say? People can just be so cruel...

Be nice people, just be nice....then stupid, little, sensitive beings (like myself) ... won't be humiliated by bawling like a baby at work.

Seriously...just always be kind!

Grandpa Ashton

Sadly, I just received news that my Grandpa won't make it through the night. I am torn with grief. However, I am happy for him. His wife, my grandma, passed away November 22, 2005. And he now gets to be with her. It's all he has wanted since she passed.

I love you Grandpa! Go be with your sweetheart!! We will all miss you down here, but can't wait until we can see you again!

This picture was taken when my Dad and Mom got married, 2/6/82