Christmas Heartache

Not having your child with you is obviously the most heart wrenching way to spend your Christmas.

Now, not having any funds to actually GET her gifts... That brings on a whole other feeling of heart wrenching pain.

I know it's not about Christmas. I know it's about Christ and his birth.

But, I am dying.

I broke down at Target today because I could only afford her a barbie doll with a $5 coupon. Which made the doll $5 bucks itself. I was on the phone with a friend while asking the concession's lately for a cup for ice water when I burst into tears. A friendly gentleman grabbed my arm and told me to breathe- it was all going to be ok.

That's when I sat in my car for 10 minutes crying my eyes out. I don't see this being ok. I don't see an end to this. (and no I'm not just talking about Christmas)

I ache. I ache so badly and don't have the courage to ask for help.

Oh, and I miss Bailee. I miss her immensely. I want to be the one with her on Christmas morning. I want to tuck her in and read her our traditional story on Christmas Eve. I ache for her as well.

so much for MY happy ending

I am crushed.

And ... quite honestly ... I spend quite alot of time in this position.

Bailee will be staying in St. George for a lot longer than planned.

I hurt. I ache. I am DEVASTATED.

I don't really get it. The whole circumstances surrounding 'why' are pretty fucked up. (yes, I know that was not a "nice" word to say .. but, if you knew the story, you'd most definitely agree) It's the only appropriate word to use.

I got screwed over. I was basically promised something, and then had it ripped right out from under me.

This is the worst thing I've ever had to go through. How can I be a Mommy when I don't even have my baby here with me?!?!

Who am I without her?

All I can say is ... THANKS ALOT!!

And just like that ... they're gone

Eric and Bailee just left after their weekend visit.

Time to curl up in a ball....

Why did this time hurt more than when they left 4 weeks ago?

='(

I'm a Nut ... In a Rut!

That's how I'm feeling as of late.

A nut in a rut.

However, not so much nutty as I am rutty.

I just don't feel like I know who I am anymore. Or what I want in life.

The good thing is ... I get to see my Oogy Boogy tomorrow!!!!!!

I can't pretend anymore...

...my heart is BREAKING!!!

I have been so good at keeping my emotions at bay this week. But.... last night it hit me like a TON of bricks...all at once.

I hate being alone. I hate not living by my family. I hate not having friends close. And I really hate not having Bailee around.

I also miss having Eric around. He's been my best friend for the past 7 years. So, it's no surprise that I miss him.

I know it'll get better, I know I'll be fine, I know, I know, I KNOW!!!

But...why can't it be better NOW??????

Open the Flood Gates

Cause there is going to be a storm!!!

I just watched Eric and Bailee drive away ... I'm pretty sure that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Crybaby

Seriously!!??

How much can one person cry? I don't think I have anymore inside of me! However, they just keep spilling over!

And, the sad thing is...I haven't even come close to the hard part, yet.

Eric and Bailee leave this Sunday.

Come Monday morning I'm going to be wishing that how much I've cried lately would be the gist of it.

Because, I'm going to be going through HELL!

Seriously though, can you cry out ALL your tears? Is it possible?? Cause if it is...sign me up!! I wanna get this over with! ha ha

ROCK BOTTOM

I have hit it.

Head on.

My bleeding heart

So, today I picked up Bailee from Daycare. And, it just dawned on me...she is no longer my little toddler, she is also NOT my little pre-schooler, she is a full-blown mini adult!!

For the past few weeks I have been getting many compliments about how smart she is for her age. And it is obvious from her vocabulary. My baby is NOT a baby anymore.

This rips me right in two! Because, I am SO happy that she is such a bright little girl. But, I can't believe that she is this old!!

It just makes me wonder why we haven't been able to be blessed with another adorable, brilliant bundle of joy!?!? And, I'm not kidding....it hurts! It rips at my heart EACH and EVERY day!

Over 3 years now...and...nothing.

Nothing but heartache.

I am so confused. What did I do? I mean, I am ONLY 25. My husband is ONLY 29. It wasn't any trouble at all to get Bailee. (it was actually an accident)

I just don't understand. Am I not destined for more? Is this it for me? Are we being punished for getting pregnant before we got married in the first place??

Uggghhhh.

I'm feeling a bit on the depressed side at this moment.

I think I'll just let these tears fall...instead of pushing them aside.

I put on my brave front each and every month.

Today...I just need to let it out.

I hurt, I am disappointed, and...quite frankly...I hate myself.