Christmas Heartache

Not having your child with you is obviously the most heart wrenching way to spend your Christmas.

Now, not having any funds to actually GET her gifts... That brings on a whole other feeling of heart wrenching pain.

I know it's not about Christmas. I know it's about Christ and his birth.

But, I am dying.

I broke down at Target today because I could only afford her a barbie doll with a $5 coupon. Which made the doll $5 bucks itself. I was on the phone with a friend while asking the concession's lately for a cup for ice water when I burst into tears. A friendly gentleman grabbed my arm and told me to breathe- it was all going to be ok.

That's when I sat in my car for 10 minutes crying my eyes out. I don't see this being ok. I don't see an end to this. (and no I'm not just talking about Christmas)

I ache. I ache so badly and don't have the courage to ask for help.

Oh, and I miss Bailee. I miss her immensely. I want to be the one with her on Christmas morning. I want to tuck her in and read her our traditional story on Christmas Eve. I ache for her as well.

so much for MY happy ending

I am crushed.

And ... quite honestly ... I spend quite alot of time in this position.

Bailee will be staying in St. George for a lot longer than planned.

I hurt. I ache. I am DEVASTATED.

I don't really get it. The whole circumstances surrounding 'why' are pretty fucked up. (yes, I know that was not a "nice" word to say .. but, if you knew the story, you'd most definitely agree) It's the only appropriate word to use.

I got screwed over. I was basically promised something, and then had it ripped right out from under me.

This is the worst thing I've ever had to go through. How can I be a Mommy when I don't even have my baby here with me?!?!

Who am I without her?

All I can say is ... THANKS ALOT!!